Born a Monster

There is very little like realizing your thoughts, emotions, and memories have been controlled to make you appreciate freedom, to remind you of who you were.

It was something I hadn’t quite worked out. I mean, I knew the obvious things. I wanted to live. I... kind of... wanted my freedom, I just hadn’t made any plans to do anything with it.

And, above all, I was...

Okay, above almost all, I was sick and tired of being weak. Not that I really was, any more.

I didn’t forgive Kumanchu the liberties he had taken with my development, but I’d have had to grow my muscles eventually, anyway.

Personally, I wanted to raise my Valor statistic first. That was where things like my ability to land and avoid attacks were. Well, melee attacks. Obviously, Agility matters more at range.

And maybe Resolve, to help me resist curses of that nature.

And absolutely my healing rate. The world seemed to be throwing fights at me when I wasn’t at full health. Enough of that.

.....

Actually, if I could figure out what I wanted more than power, then I’d know what my motivation was.

“More than power, I desire...”

Okay, it wasn’t peace.

Actually, I could DO that. Just try things, and let my Truthspeaker Oath lock down on whatever it wasn’t. Why not turn a disadvantage into an advantage?

More than power. Wasn’t expecting it to be war, or glory or personal conquest. Knew myself better than to think it was money or women, or wine, food, and song. Well, maybe food, but it wasn’t.

And it wasn’t the desire to grow in power, or the ability to do so.

“I value endurance above raw power.” I said.

Yeah, not the revelation that shatters worlds.

I didn’t want wealth, or even quality of life. I didn’t want to live free of pain. As much as I hate pain, that one surprised me. But just a look at my training regimens, and the manner of pain I put myself into daily was enough to prove to me that I could pay a price of pain, so long as I knew what I was getting back out of it.

I didn’t particularly want to be a Titan, or a demigod, or any other powerful being I could name. I didn’t want to rule the world. Perhaps because I just couldn’t envision it.

From the time I’d been born, I could envision a lot, but no, nothing imaginary supplanted my desire for the real.

I did want health, sanity, and mental stability, but none of these was my one guiding directive. Actually, those probably went hand-in-hand with wanting to stay alive.

“There is nothing... There is something that I want more than to remain alive.”

Crap. There was something I was willing to DIE for? I mean, I’d seen things like that.

I didn’t need redemption. I couldn’t say I didn’t want vengeance, and for a while that threatened to dislodge my train of thought.

No.

Until I find this thing, this thing I REALLY WANTED, I was going to pursue it. I couldn’t say I’d find that today, but I also couldn’t say I wouldn’t.

“It is a reasonable goal to figure out what I truly want before dusk falls.” I said.

I opened the door to my room, took a look around the inn where I’d been told to spend no less than two days recovering. I swung myself out a window, and scrabbled to the roof. The sun was going down, but wasn’t even halfway to the horizon.

“It is reasonable to figure out what I truly want before the sun reaches the wall from my current point of view. With the right question, I can discover what I truly want now.”

CRAP. I was SO CLOSE. If only we titanspawn weren’t so densely stupid...

Except... “I am not densely stupid, when compared to human beings.”

Of course, I wasn’t. I had the same rating 3 in Insight. Truly smart people had more than just a high insight rating, though.

“My life...” Okay, my life wasn’t barring me from indulging in what I truly wanted.

“My life...” Also wasn’t propelling me toward what I truly wanted, no surprise there.

“I must...” Wait, I didn’t need to be ALIVE to pursue it?

“My truest goal is easier to achieve while alive.” I sighed in relief. Good gods, what would my plan have been if I couldn’t have said that?

I admit it. I like being alive, in seeing what each day brings. That had been true since the day I had been born...

“My deepest desire is related to my Curious trait.” Okay, now I was getting somewhere.

“My deepest desire is related to...” Well, crap.

“Living a long life will assist me in fulfilling my deepest desire.”

“I can achieve my desire...” Okay, I couldn’t both achieve my desire and remain safe. Sure, that tracked with the number of times I had almost died.

“My desire has...” Okay, it had nothing to do with almost dying.

Okay, back to the Curious trait. What had my first Cultivation method been?

“My desire is related to my Exploration cultivation method.”

“My desire is related to exploration. My desire is related to discovery. My desire is related to learning new things.”

Okay, I was close. I could feel it. My heartbeat was elevated, and I Eat Stress had actually triggered.

“My desire is...” Okay, not self discovery.

“I desire above all things to...” Huh. Okay, so not about discovering new lands.

Ditto about new dangers, which was actually a relief.

Okay. Exploraton. Discovery. Learning.

“I desire above all things...” Okay, not to go everywhere, although I got the impression I was close.

Ditto on doing everything, and on meeting every culture.

“My desire is related...” Okay, my System had nothing to do with it. I still had questions about it, about why it worked and didn’t work in the manner it did.

“My desire to learn about my System is secondary to my true desire.”

“I can achieve...” Huh. Okay, couldn’t achieve my truest desire without other people.

“My true desire is... My true desire is related to studying.”

Ugh. I took a random stab, but my deepest desire was not to discover what my deepest desire was.

Learning. Studying. Exploration. Discovery.

What had our motto been, as torchbearers? Fire reveals.

“My true desire is related to revealing secrets. My true desire is related to revealing a secret.”

“My true desire is...” Good, good. That would have been tacky, the sort of thing bards...

“My true desire is to learn as much as I can about how this world actually works.”

Finally.

I stopped pacing across the roof and sat down, watching the messages scroll across my field of vision. I paid attention to none of them.

Hah! Find me the two year old who has accomplished THAT!

Now, I knew what I wanted. Now, I knew who I was. Now... now, I was actually hungry, and a bit thirsty, and honestly, I needed to bathe because I smelled bad.

And my head... my head was re-arranging itself.

In particular, the investment of my “insane” development points suddenly made a bit of sense... if it was meant to provide me a diverse basis to investigate, well literally everything.

And the time to build that basic foundation into... I couldn’t quite see the shape of what I needed to be, but I can’t say it was entirely hidden, either.

I made my way down the side of the building, nearest where a group of soldiers were slathering themselves with soap and then splashing buckets of water on each other to rinse.

I got a bucketful of water upended over my head when I tried to join them. Right. So that was related to my language skills, which derived from my Insight.

Or they’d understood me and decided to remind me my Charisma was only two.

They were making the sort of gestures one uses to send small children on their way.

And, instead of the anger I’d been expecting to have, there was a calm acceptance. What had I been expecting? Humanity in general had never treated me well. There were individuals, but humanity in general...

But much as they want to be, humanity is not central to why the world works the way it does. They don’t matter.

“I matter.” I told them, in Achaen.

We waved goodbye, and I made my way back to the inn.

“What’s for dinner?” I asked, “When will it be ready?”

“No, none extra for you.” The innkeeper’s husband replied. “Mistress Grey Kitten very precise. One meal for you. Only one.”

Mistress Grey Kitten? I chuckled, but added it to my System list of things that I was never allowed to call Kismet.

For a day when I had done nothing, I felt unusually depleted. Empty.

.....

I took a seat at a nearby table, and watched the System messages, still rolling by. Some of them were in languages I didn’t recall seeing before, some used words I didn’t know, and others were... well, I knew the words, and they made sense together, but it looked like everything in my System was trying to check how it related to everything else in my System.

[Cannot query status during System update.]