I Don't Want to Be Loved

Igor sighed.

“Keep an eye on that servant. If he gives Count Clovis valuable information, gather evidence immediately. If I show him plenty of proof that he’s been spying on me for years and threaten him a little…” Igor smiled bitterly “…then he’ll probably be willing to give up his right to succession. I’m sure Count Clovis is also aware of that woman’s past sins. We can use his testimony to arrest his lover immediately”.

“Yes, Your Majesty! I’ll obediently carry out your orders right away!”

While Basil was about to leave the room with a determined fighting spirit, Igor suddenly opened his mouth.

“Basil, you remember, right? What you have to do in case something happens to me. You remember, don’t you?”

Basil’s expression stiffened. Soon after his marriage, Igor told Basil something and, due to his authoritarian attitude, Basil had to choice but to promise something against his will.

“Why are you saying that again? You are young and healthy. Why would something happen to you?” Basil mumbled, avoiding Igor’s gaze.

“Promise me you’ll fulfill what I asked you, Basil”.

Basil agreed with a bitter expression. “Ah… yes, of course. I will. Good, then… I should get going”. He hurriedly fled the room.

Igor didn’t move for a while. After some time, he finally stood up from his seat and headed to the door that was on the opposite end. When he opened that door, a dark, empty space was revealed. Looking inside, Igor lowered his head.

The past… his past… what a messy disaster.

He wanted to go after her, ask her if she felt any pain, if she wanted anything to eat, but right now he had no strength left to go see her.

He felt ashamed.

He was grateful that Basil had risked his life to stop her from leaving, most probably forever. Igor suddenly realized the bitter reality he was living in. The illusion he’d created through a web of lies was crumbling down. His currently relationship could not be considered any better than the one in his past.

During these past six years, he barely managed to contain himself from going into Chrichton and bringing her back home. But he didn’t. He knew that would only shock her… she’d be shocked at seeing her killer’s face.

In his past life, there was a moment in which he genuinely thought all their problems would be resolved if she just gave him a child. Even though his mother used him as a pawn, a tool, he thought everything would change when Rihannan gave birth. Igor thought his mother would realize she needed to change for the sake of that baby.

That’s why he worked so hard, but whenever he had her in his arms, Rihannan silently forced herself to endure everything.

When they slept together, she’d always look to the other side, both her hands tightly gripping the bed sheets, thinking that all her problems would vanish if she endured it… just a little more…

But Igor didn’t help her. He was always angry whenever he had her. The look on his face must have scared her.

At the beginning, she pretended everything was ok, but whenever he reached out his hand to calm her anxiety, she’d back away from his touch to protect herself. There was only one emotion Igor could extract from her: the desire for him to quickly finish his job and go away.

That broke Igor’s heart. He didn’t want to feel that pain whenever he held his wife in his arms.

At the end, he frequented her bed less and less. Suddenly, the fact that Igor wasn’t sleeping with Rihannan became public. The Queen Mother and the rest of the nobility started talking about his responsibility to produce an heir, making him feel pressured.

So… when did it all go awry?

The growing pressure to produce and heir took hold of Igor, as he kept listening serpent whispers telling him that, if he failed, the crown would go to the children of past kings. If that happened, the current nobility would lose their powers.

“Your Majesty, if you keep treating the queen so coldly, it will only be harder for her. Her heart is delicate and frail”.

On the other hand, Basil had always regarded Rihannan as someone weak and pitiful. His experience with his younger sisters gave him that perspective.

“Please, have a proper discussion with the queen, Your Majesty”.

Talk.

Igor couldn’t remember the last time they’ve had a proper conversation. The last time… was when they were children.

If he were direct and honest with her, would their tense relationship be solved? He wanted her to trust him. He was willing to do the same for her.

After making a hard decision, Igor went out looking for her everywhere but… he found her standing beside her cousin.

Dimitri had built a solid business network after taking over his father’s diplomatic position. It was Rihannan’s first time seeing Dimitri visit Arundell as an important foreign envoy, having taken over his father. Everyone excepting Igor knew that he’d visit. But…

What shocked Igor the most was seeing Rihannan laughing and weeping in his arms. It was his first time since childhood seeing her smiling so happily.

Strong emotions surged within him, spiraling. Seeing her happy… laughing… crying… emotions he’d never had from her were being displayed to another man. His heart hurt.

It was jelousy.

That night, Igor embraced her. He usually spent the night with her at least once before going to bed, but that night… when Rihannan turned around, thinking that they’d finished, Igor grabbed her shoulder and pinned her down, embracing her. He ignored the commotion in her blue eyes and raped her body so many times he lost count.

The violent act kept going into the depth of night until she passed out.

Igor looked at her body, wrapped in the sun’s warm light with a dark face. Her white skin was covered in red and purple marks, showing just how violent he’d been with her the night before.

He wrapped her body with a blanket before leaving the room, ashamed. Every time he wanted to fix their relation and come closer to her, the distance between them widened more and more.

If they were doomed to that… then… perhaps… it would be better to do what she wanted and leave her in peace.

From that day on, he never set foot on the Queen’s Palace again.

Not long after, the Queen Mother called him and suggested: “If you can’t solve things with Rihannan, why don’t you produce and heir with her sister? You just have to pretend that Rihannan was the one that gave birth and raise that child as such. Even though I don’t particularly like Count Alessin and that daughter of his, we have to take matters into our own hands quickly. This is for the best. Even Count Alessin gave his approval”.

Igor didn’t have neither the mind nor the heart to disagree. It was common for a mother like his to treat her only son as nothing more than a pawn for her own benefit.

Igor turned his back to her.

“Haven’t you thought that Rihannan might want this as well? Or do you want to kick her out of the palace? If not, then accept this suggestion, Igor!”